I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
