I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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