First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
