We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You kept saying ākekeā over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case youāre wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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