I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
