So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
