does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
