There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just tell him i said nine months
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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