My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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