i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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