today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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