Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
