Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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