Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
