it's like iHOP with fire
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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