When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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