i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
