I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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