Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
