The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
