I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
