garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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