Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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