I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
