the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my being single is dangerous.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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