You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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