I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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