sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
