talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
