I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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