i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
