im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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