: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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