I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
