So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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