he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
