Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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