I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
