I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize