I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
