i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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