Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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