At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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