Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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