Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
