He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
