Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
