i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
And then he peed in my hair
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