Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
