Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
