I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Come on in and take your pants off
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