he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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