Ambien. No doubt about it.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
