My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
