I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
