Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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