There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
