Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
