I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
